A shelter in each other

There is such a shelter in each other. --- Zadie Smith, ‘On Beauty’

Why exactly do teenagers not get along with their families? While researching my material for this article, I was tempted to ‘borrow’ some ideas from the parenting guidebooks that come dime-a-dozen these days. But that would have been shortchanging the reader I thought later, so here I decided that an honest personal account of my growing-up years would perhaps better serve the cause.

It is easy and convenient to dismiss it as a result of the raging hormones, peer influence etc.--- all very cliché and, I believe trite, hackneyed terms. As a teen in the last of my teenage years, I look back at that ‘tumultuous’ period of growth and development, and realized that I had more memories and fruition in the form of self-discovery, fostering and the maturing of many relationships (both kith and kin alike) and more importantly an establishment of my own identity along with a system of beliefs and values, than I could ever hope for.

What was the recipe for such a smooth and seemingly painless development then? Well, I come from your average, middle-income (okay, maybe the higher portion of that bracket) Singaporean family, three kids (all girls), kiasu parents (loving nonetheless), good education, comfortable house--- a rather privilege background so to speak. And I’m sure that many other teens out there can relate to my experiences. I had my fair share of arguments, punishments, moody spells, bad days, ‘broke days’ that happened when my shopping somehow went out of control. I talked on the phone too long, chatted online too much, submitted my homework late (for a period of rebellion only, I must qualify), and had a couple of unpleasant parent-teachers meetings. Basically, I did the normal things every other growing teen would do.

But through the tears and the laughter, the pain and the joy, I somehow managed to find my way out, emerging stronger and clearer about my ideas than ever before. Sure, there were a lot of things I didn’t like about growing up--- the ever constant and sometimes unreasonable threats of not giving us a lift to school by my father after a heated argument, the canings when we were younger (*see below). There were moments when I just found myself hating everything about my family, from the demanding parents, to the unfair comparisons and ensuing competition and occasionally jealousy between sisters (and I should know better, being one half of a pair of identical twins), right down to the fact that everything in the house was common and shared, from the TV to the telephone to the computer (gasp! I’m sure many other teenagers would have taken issue with the lack of privacy).

There were so many occasions when everything was threatening to come apart, when the shouting just wouldn’t stop, but I think I know what held the family together. It was the mutual understanding that we all needed this family to work, we all had a vested interest; because stripped of our oh-so-fleeting material possessions, our pretensions and claims to independence, and standing bare in the face of this world, the family is the only thing that would provide us with the shelter to weather all the storms of our lives.

In Zadie Smith’s novel ‘On Beauty’, Carlene Kipps said that she didn’t ask herself what she lived for but whom she lived for. Her friend, Kiki was vexed by the waste and stupidity at that notion. Today, I identify with Carlene--- the only way we can have good relationships with others and in turn be the fortunate keepers of such happy relationships is to love unselfishly. Our true worth lies not in our worldly possessions but in the efforts we have invested in people and in the imprints we have left on others. And if we can understand and respect that, it is easy to forgive and forget the misgivings and faults of others; especially those close to our hearts.

I often find myself exhausted and wary when nursing a grudge. Letting go of the hatred and grievance allows me a peace of mind, a better and prettier view of the world and its people; I enjoy life so much more.

I offer the reader a simple philosophy that can be applied not just to the family but to anyone in general: if you offend me today, I will forgive you because I know that some day I will need your generosity and forgiveness. I hope you will then reciprocate in kind; I hope that we can find that shelter in each other.

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* I am not qualified to say if its good or not, but in my case, I have accepted it as just another part of upbringing in an Asian family. I do not condone or condemn it, but it definitely made me think twice before I did all the naughty things, although I still went ahead with them anyway. Perhaps there are better methods of disciplinary action.

Compiled by: Shermyn; Written on: 12.01.06 © Medhospital Foundation